Punishment

Punishment

Childish babble flows
Perpetually from this hand
Nothing new, retreaded feelings
Punishment for this puny pride

So tired of trying again
To fall flat on my face
With pen to paper, failing
Just to write

Undeserving of this position
How did the bar get raised so high
Dug my own hole with these hands
To suffer, unable to live up to my image

I don't want to be an angel
I don't want to change the world
I just wanted to write something beautiful
Lay down, breath out, and die

Self

Self

I hate your weakness
The monster you have become
Pick up your feet for once and stand
Quit blaming others for your state
I hate everything you stand for
I hate your self-loathing deprecation
But mostly I hate seeing you
Every morning in my reflection

Untitled

Just a quickie tonight I wrote while thinking of someone very special...

Untitled

You inspire me to greater heights, push me to excel
I want to make you smile for me, to save you from this hell
I burn alive with love for you, consumed within your flame
Embraced within you consciousness, drenched inside your rain
Lay dying arm-in-arm with you, to be reborn by your dawn
Sleep with both eyes open now, just to protect you from harm
I give what I have willingly, against your gifts it is the least
But with my fragile arms around you, I just pray I bring you peace
When you read my words will you understand, the meaning just and true
You will think I wrote it for someone else, but tonight, my love, I write for you

Back With A Vengeance

Well, I took some time off of writing, which is a nice way of saying I've been very uninspired lately. The few things I did try to write were junk, and I finally said to Hell with it, and took a break. I'm glad I did! I went to the bar tonight, and decided to take my notebook and pencil with me (I love writing at the bar). Over the course of two hours (and two beers) I scribbled out SIX new ones, and they aren't too bad either! Hope you enjoy them, I'll try not to be gone for so long again...

Lost

Lost

How do I tell you the feeling deep inside
When the words are sour and ring out hollow
As empty as this lonely night, this wasted life
Can I twist your heart like I used to do

If I show you the empty chairs at Christmas
The places where my friends used to live
The caskets lined and white in my heart
Can you even begin to understand

I try not to complain to you
To whine about the ones I've lost
But over time it all adds up
And it doesn't seem fair tonight

Crystal cold stars to shine down
Unwritten words, uncried tears
Unafraid to face my fate and say
I lived, I loved, and I lost

The Moment Of Shame

The Moment Of Shame

So here I stand
Naked and unashamed
My heart exposed for you to see
Fragile and unafraid
The victim played perfection
Hurt for you and proud
Unable to feel beyond this
The moment of shame

Splash blood against the wall
Battered and unashamed
Emotions exposed for you to feel
Fragile and unafraid
The sad refrain of your happy song
Played in minor key
Unable to see beyond this
The moment of shame

Soul bared for your enjoyment
Naked and ashamed
My heart in your hands to crush
Fragile and afraid
The moment of shame admitting
I was never strong enough
Unable to live beyond this
The moment of my shame

After God Has Gone To Sleep

After God Has Gone To Sleep

Look down on me tonight
Your shattered little sinner
Facing fear alone in this dark
Antiseptic hospital room
Day to day dying to
This will-robbing disease
No cure in sight for me
Trading dignity for days
Waiting to die, don't let me cry
Walking bravely to the light

After God has gone to sleep
Who will hear the prayers
Who will hold their hands and say
Everything will be alright

Look down on me tonight
Your broken little daughter
Punished for an imagined crime
Against the one I love
Day to day trying not to
Make him mad again
No escape in sight for me
Please don't let me wake up
Praying to die, unable to cry
Walking gladly into the light

Who will hear the prayers
After God has gone to sleep
Who will hold their hands and say
Everything will be alright

Look down on me tonight
I'm just a little child
Innocence stolen away in shame
By one I loved so much
Day to day fearing against
The footsteps in the night
No justice in sight for me
Please just let him die
I swear that tonight I'll just have to try
To watch bravely for the coming light

Who will hear the prayers
After God has gone to sleep
Who will hold their hands and say
Everything will be alright

Look down on me tonight
As I try to do justice to their pain
To tell them they aren't alone anymore
The sun will rise again
As I hold them tight and tell them
Everything will be alright
No end in sight for this madness
Please just do not let them die
Help me bring comfort to their broken hearts
And tell the stories of their forgotten light

I Never Knew

I Never Knew

I just wanted to show you something
You have never seen before
A love so true it could melt the sky

I just wanted to show you a part of me
I have never shown before
A melancholy pain from a live long lived

I just wanted to open myself to things
I've never felt before
A light in the darkness of my soul

But I never knew this would happen
That you would feel my pain
That I would feel their pain
I never knew that when I tried to help
I would spread the pain around

So now you're hooked on my love
Now I'm hooked on their pain
And they finally have an outlet for some peace

Noise

Noise

There is too much noise tonight
For me to try to think
How can I paint the world for you
If I can't focus on the brush
I can't dance for you tonight
Through the rain of our tears
So I'll just say that there is
Too much noise

Pearl Harbor

Pearl Harbor

Five years later I can still remember
The fear I felt that day
Before I knew who survived and who died
Before I knew the reason why
I remember wondering if I told my friends
How much I loved them
This is my generations Pearl Harbor

Five long years celebrating those who
By God's grace survived
Mourning those who didn't, wondering
Was there ever a reason why
The senselessness of it, and all that followed
A day to live in infamy
This is my generations Pearl Harbor

Bad Adam!

So, I got home tonight and checked my archive of this site, and guess what? The missing poems are still missing! I obviously didn't think it through well enough when I posted before; it archives directly off of this blog, so if it isn't here, it isn't there. :( Sorry guys, guess I'll have to write new ones...

Images of Me

Images of Me

I shred myself to shame for you
Jsut so you can feel my pain
Live in perpetual cloud cover
Never to escape the rain
Lighting torches to my past
So that you can see these scars
Painting portraits of a victim
Falling down amidst the stars
Ripping pages from my history
The story uncomplete
But I've raised the bar too high now
There's no way I can compete

WTF???

Where did all my posts go??? I don't know either! I had posted probably four or five new poems since the last one that shows up (Oct 26), but now I don't see any of them... Man, makes me look like a slacker!

Well, I'm not sure what happened, may have been a glitch in the system, maybe I hit the wrong button, maybe the cosmic cows decided that they didn't like my new poetry. Whatever it was, I'm going to try to get some of them back up here as soon as I can (my archives are at home, and I'm at work), sorry to everyone about the big mess up! I'll try to write a couple here at work too to tide you over until then...

Sorry again!
Dr S

X-Acto Real

X-Acto Real

Lay down as I bleed myself
Into your open arms
Watch me as I cut myself
See which of us it harms

Burning matches, open hatches
Just to let in the rain
As I'm choking I am hoping
That you're feeling my pain

You don't need me, just delete me
Throw me out into the night
Straight from the jacket
Never really alright

Into the unknown world
Face the demon sky
A goodbye, a so-long
A final goodnight

Therapy Bill

Therapy Bill

I know it's wrong to love you
This damned much for all these years
He takes you for granted because
You've always given him your love
I'm afraid to tell you while
You're running my thoughts down
You'll send me off to someone else
I know I can never have you but
You've had my heart all this time

Nice Guy

Nice Guy

I let it happen again, I swore I wouldn't
Are we on or are we not
I put up with your shit, I listen all the time
So tired of being the nice guy
Pull me out a few days a month
When everyone else is fed up with you
I don't want to be just your sometimes friend
I don't want to be your emotional tampon

Silence

See my personal blog to understand more of what's going on here...

Silence

I did it again, I'm such a mistake
No longer tracking the promises I break
I told you, my friend, my secret from hell
I trusted my passion you would never tell

Secret betrayed, now everyone sees
I can't hide the scars, the wounds, my disease
I love you, I hate you, forgive what we're sharing
My family, my friends, I hate you for caring

Misunderstood, confused, alone
There is nothing wrong with it, no need to atone
But sometimes I dream of cutting until death
Slicing windpipe to ribbons, deny me of breath

Why couldn't someone else have been me
Someone who would love the things that I see
Appreciates the love and beauty that surrounds
A stranger in my own skin, violently silent

Dark Night Of My Soul

Dark Night Of My Soul

Painful questions we ask
Was it all just a lie
Worship of a false hero
Dark night of my soul

The world in gray glasses viewed
Beats the blue back but
Always lurking on the edge of reason
Dark night of my soul

Heart slowed to the beat
Pounding out this feeling of empty
Turning pity into an art
Dark night of my soul

Melancholic love child
Dies a little as he tries
Want to pour until I'm empty
Dark night of my soul

Hey jealousy, I would have died for you
No time left to right my wrongs
Regain my lost wings, too much fear
The sun burned out in our souls

Chute de la Grace

Chute de la Grace

I slam my bloody wrists against
The lining of your soul
We laugh for a while until death steals my smile
A hyper conceptual suicide

Formality, formality, destruction of the modern man
Dissection of an artist
Too many misplaced ideologies, no enough symbolicy
Pain ported imperfect

Fingertips drip with chains of insanity
Rolling down the drain
Pink sorrow weeps, tombe en masse
Chute de la grace eternelle

Sliced wrists in a phone booth fall against
The lining of your soul
I laugh for a while, Death waits for my smile
And I'm finally going home

Edge of Winter

Edge of Winter

I remember the smell
Of your hospital room
As we lay arm in arm
Drifting past the edge of winter

I remember the sound
The drip and buzz
The sigh in your voice
Driting past the edge of winter

I remember the fade
The light in your eyes
Knowing you'd never survive
Past the edge of winter

Click

Click

Click, click, it starts up again
A pulse, a needle, an impending sense of dread
Tick, tick, a nervous little twitch
Finger on the trigger, and I'm feeling pretty sick
I feel sick

Yeah, I've got the sickness
Deep within my soul
I feel sick
Yeah, I've got the sickness
I swear to you
It's out of control

Bullet in the chamber, muzzle to the brain
Finger on the plunger, needle in the vein
Emptyness and loneliness, the only fate for man
Salvation in destruction, that is the master plan
I feel sick

Yeah, I've got the sickness
Deep within my soul
I feel sick
Yeah, I've got the sickness
I swear to you
It's out of control

Life is a lie
Wake up before you die
Click
Click
Sick
Die

Claustrostrophic

Claustrostrophic

My heart pounds out a funeral march
Wound up like a twenty year itch
Hear the bells peal my final days
Lock me tight
Stay the night
The ephemeral fear flows out my heart

Fallen into the cold rock bottom
Face first into the light at tunnel's end
Now I know that the hero really is dead
Pased away so long ago
Living on without a soul
The world has been turned on its side

Thoughts go jumbled in a mesh
Chest exploding from abstract terror
Crippled into this chair of fear and hate
I can't stand the sun
The big yellow bus
Hide away in the dark of the moon

Book Finally Released!

Click the image to order!

Comments issue

Hey all, just wanted to let you know that the issue with comments has been fixed (or so they say). Now, if you have a regular Blogger account, you can comment without having to use "Other", and I can comment on your blogs too! Of course, if you DON'T have a Blogger account, you can always comment as either "Other" or "Anonymous".

Splitting The Adam

I decided to move last nights post to my new side project blog. I added a link over there to the right of the screen to the other blog, enjoy! And yes, they do look exactly alike, because I copied the template from one to the other. Woot!

Mega Post!

Well, I wrote a bunch that I haven't shared yet, so I thought I'd put a few up at once. I could save these, and put them up one at a time, with a few days between each, but what fun would that be??? Enjoy! :)

Remember that (for the time being) to comment you must mark "Other" and put your name and site in manually. Hopefully this will be resolved soon...

Fall

Fall

Twist my neck to make a crack
I wish I could twist until it snapped
Slit wrist with electronic passion
God I hate the fall

Watch closely as everyone dies
Lost my final farewell, no goodbyes
Cry out the sins of being alive
God I hate the fall

The tears pour like an Autumn rain
Do I have to sing that song again
Innocent splendor, fall of mankind
God damned the fucking fall

Drama

Drama

I won't chase you down anymore
I won't stop you this time
When you say nothing is wrong
I will take you at your lie
I'm so tired of fighting to make you happy

I won't worry myself anymore
I won't even try to help you again
You keep pushing me away so
I will finally give up
I'm so tired of fighting to make you stay

Shout
Drama, drama
Everything is overblown
Every little thing
Sings
Drama, drama
I just want a quiet life

We have this fight all the time
Over stupid little things
You won't let yourself be happy
So you're happy in misery
I'm so tired of fighting to keep you sane

Shout
Drama, drama
Everything is overblown
Every little thing
Sings
Drama, drama
I just want a quiet life

I don't want anymore excuses
I am tired of laying the blame
I am the means that justify the ends
I am not happy with misery
And I'm so tired of fighting

Forgiveness

Forgiveness

Please forgive me
If I don't know how to talk to you
If I share our secrets with the world
If my faults outweigh my good

Please forgive me
When I get upset for no apparent reason
When I get depressed due to the season
When you see my world crumbling down

Please forgive me
For being so damned scared
Of how much we both care
For hiding my self away

I want to blame my parents
I want to blame God
But the responsibility is mine alone
So please forgive me

You Knew

You Knew

You knew I was fucked up
Did you ever imagine that
The damage went this far

You knew I was like this
The child behind the monster
I told you at the start

You knew I couldn't last
Burning up and burning out
So it should be no surprise

You knew I was fucked up
Saw the path I had to tread
To the end of my life

So don't cry for me now
Rejoice and praise because
You knew me while I was alive

Issue with Comments

Ok guys, took me a while to figure out, but I know why you can't comment now! Because I switched to Beta Blogger, people with a normal Blogger account will NOT be able to post comments the normal way. Instead, post as either "Other" (my preference) or anonymous, and your comment will go through. Sorry everybody! If it helps any, I have to do the same damned thing to comment on YOUR blogs now too. :(

Runaway

Runaway

Whenever times get tough
At the slightest sign of resistance
Even when there is nothing wrong
Why do you try to run

Maybe I should just go home
I shouldn't have even come over
The words are always the same
When you try to run away

Why do you run away my darling
Do you run from the fear of more pain
I know we may not be perfect
But does that mean you have to run away

So run away my darling
I can't say I really care
Because I know where ever you run to
When you stop running, I'll be there

Let Down

Let Down

I guess I let you down again, didn't I?
I fought so hard just to hold on, while I preached to let it go
Locked my heart inside this cage, while singing love is all
It's so damned easy to show the way, why can't I follow it?

It was another time, another place
The fog of memory, I can't even see your face
But the tears in your eyes will haunt me to my grave

I guess I let you down again, doesn't it seem
Like all I do is make amends, hurt my friends
So scared of being hurt again, so scared of ending up numb
Now that I've finally found that love we used to sing about

But I can still see the tears in your eyes
As we sang out to the world, our final goodbyes
Why can't I just let your memory die?

I guess I let you down again, big surprise
I let you go, I have moved on, but sometimes I
Can't help but bring your memory back up, one last time
The pain has healed at last, but some things never die

Blog changes...

Hey everybody! Dr Sketch has been crazy tinkering with the blog settings again, so here is a list of what's new:

• RSS/Atom feed, with subscribe button.
  
• Copyright/license notice with link (go read it, I tried to leave it as open as possible for ya).
  
• Switched to BetaBlogger with my gmail account. You won't even notice, trust me.
  
• Archiving. Sorry, I thought it was on before, but it wasn't! Now there will only be 10 posts visible, the rest is archived on the right...
  
• Comments. Ok, they aren't really new, but please leave some! I (like most web authors) live for user feedback; good, bad, indifferent, I want to know what you're thinking! If nothing else, just leave one that says "Hey Doc! I was here!"
  :)

Check it out!

Slipping Away

Slipping Away

Another year slipping through my grasph
Watching you fade into memories
Do you ever look back and wonder
As you lay dying like the fall

The August heat can't warm my bones
From the chill deep in my soul
Clutching at my heart in a panic attack
Hammering my ribs apart

Can love survive beyond the face of death
Or are our memories all just lies

Scars on my body like punishment
To remind me of where I came from
To keep me looking back as I watch
Another year slipping away

Tiny Update

Well, I don't have much new to report, but didn't want to leave you all hanging either... REWilson is working away on the cover, I finally wrote the last few words (the back of the cover) so I'm done! Everything is formatted the way I want, it's looking good, and I'm moving on... Yep, that's right, I'm starting up writing again! I have really missed it! I'll be putting some new stuff up soon, so stay tuned for more... I hate to ask you to wait longer, but... wait longer. :) The wait for the book will be worth it, and I promise that the next new poem I put up will be one of the best ever! I'm working on something now that will hopefully be as good (or better?) than "Love Song For The Lost" and "Lullabye"! :)
Until then...

Update

Well, so much has happened since the last post, and I'd like to share some of it...

I have been through so many edits that it makes me dizzy! I read through it, changed a lot, removed two poems (they just didn't work, so don't be sad), re-arranged again and again, and finally said "I'm done!" Then I let a couple of my friends read through it (thanks guys!), and had a ton more edits to do... Did you know that "alright" is not a word??? Dammit, I've been using it for years! Thanks for taking away part of my vocabulary, English Language! ;)

I have done all the formatting, and am doing tweaking on it now. So far it looks good! Although it's been quite the pain getting it ready to print! They only have 8 fonts that they support, and the two I'm using aren't on that list, so I had to go through a huge process to embed those fonts into the file that they convert into PDF (the printer uses PDFs, I dunno why). I now know more about PostScript, PDF, and printing than I ever wanted to...

Right after I made my last post (seriously, like within an hour) I got the first draft of the cover, and it looks freaking AMAZING! I had an idea of what it would look like, since we both kinda worked it out together, but it wasn't what I expected, it was WAY better! Have I mentioned to go check out http://www.rewilson.us ? AND HAVE YOU GONE YET???? :D Maybe it's just seeing my name on it (yeah, I have an ego), but I think it's more to do with how cool it is! I can't wait to see the finished one, looking all slick and shiny...

A few people have asked me why I would have to sell so many books to do the Global Distribution; if it's only $99, and I'm making $14/book, I should barely have to sell 8 copies to make it. The truth is, I'm NOT making $14/book, I'm not making very much at all per copy (I'm not going to say how much, but it's less than you think). Most of the price is the cost of publishing it, which is higher since each copy is manually printed. If I was working with a publishing company I'd be making more per copy, but they tend to not want to publish authors that nobody has heard of. Maybe, if this one does good, someone will want to do my next one! :P

Ok, I think that's it... Until next time!

Been so tight lipped lately...

OK, time to reveal a little (ok, a lot) more information. The text is almost done. Currently, it's being checked over with a fine toothed comb by a few friends (who are staying anonymous so there are no hard feelings). The poems are all in order (although there might be a few slight changes). As soon as the text is completely finished, I'm going to do some quick formatting (most of it is already set up, I did it while I've been waiting), then that part is done.
I'm not sure how far along the cover is, but I told the cover artist (you all HAVE gone to check out www.rewilson.us, haven't you???) that I would be ready in about a month, so there isn't much pressure on her. This morning I gave her the final calculation on the spine, so she should have all the info that she needs...
The book is 132 pages long, split across three chapters. There are 50 poems total (what a nice number!), some that have been on here, some on my old blog, some only on the forums, and even a few that you have NEVER read before! Even the ones you know have changed a bit, I finally went back and did the minor tweaks that I always put off before.
The final retail price is (wait for it... wait for it!) $13.95 US. I'm not sure what that will convert into for my Candian and overseas friends, but hopefully it will be reasonable. I have spent hours at different bookstores, looking at other people's books, finding ideas for length, formatting, and price, and finally decided on $1/10 pages (seemed to be about average, although some were as low as 50 cents and some were over $2 for 10 pages). The money that goes over the cost of publishing will be used to fund buying an ISBN number, and getting global distribution, so (one day) you'll see it in Barnes and Noble online (and hopefully my local branches too), Amazon, and other online retailers. Global distribution is a one time fee of $99.95, it includes a new ISBN, so y'all have to buy a LOT of books! :)
So... any more questions? :D

Work work work

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I've been super busy with the book. Progress: good so far, still a bit to do. I'm not going to be posting any new poetry for a while (saving it all up for the book), so expect just to get progress reports intermittently... :)

Changes

Hey all, I've made some changes to my links section: I've separated out the blogs into their own section, added a few more sites, and generally cleaned up the code. I also added a link to my user profile on Digg, so you can see what stories I've been checking out lately....

December

Here's the other one I wrote to end the chapters. I'm feeling super-inspired tonight, so I'm gonna get back to writing....

December

December pours down upon me
It's white, and it's bleak, and so cold
Another year has passed between us
Lies sleeping beneath my feet
I've finally buried her memory
At the crossroads of the year

How do you rate a lifetime in a year
Do you count the days you lived
The time you spent fighting, working
Is it the love you made, or the love you gave
Or is it just that you existed
To the crossroads of the year

The End Of July

I needed a couple of poems to end the "chapters" of the book, and I've been kicking some ideas around for a while... This one actually came out on the way home! Thankfully, I keep a notebook in my car now, so I scribbled parts out while I was waiting at the lights...

The End Of July

Waiting for the world to end
Counting down the minutes
I know it couldn't last forever
The year slowly rolls on
All the passionate nights
Couldn't save our love
But how we fought against the end of July

Recoil from the flames
That burn us both alive
We've both grown up too much
How can anyone stop
The rolling of the year
The love that grows cold
It's so cold at the end of July

My icicle princess
Your broken leper messiah
We can't fly anymore
While we're arm in arm
The desolate fighting
All the passionless nights
Point the path we both tread
That leads to the end of July

Minor Update

Here's where the book stands: 65 pages done, the cover is well under way. The cover artist contacted me today, letting me know that she is still trying to get it "just right". I imagine (from what I know of her) that she's as big a perfectionist as I am, and that it probably ALREADY looks amazing! Then again, I'd be happy with just a black cover with my name and the book title on it.... ;)

Believe

Just kinda needed to say this one; everyone seems to think I feel one way, when I really feel something completely different...

Believe

At the end of the day
I sit here alone
In quiet reflection
Outside of my home
Patiently I'm waiting
For the breaking of night
And desperately hoping
That tomorrow, everything is alright

Playing the poor tortured artist
Week after week gets old
But the constant misinterpretation
Has left me feeling so cold
You may think from the words you read
That you know what is really inside
Trust me when I say, you have no idea
Everything you thought was a lie

I'm not really stuck
In the hottest of months
My life has moved on
Moved on from July
I've played that game once
But I won't play again
That old metaphor I used
Has gone stale in my mouth

Bracket Full of Roses

Here's one I'm dredging up from the archives to share. I think I might have put this up once before on the MySpace blog, I can't remember. The story here is simple: I was in a fight earlier the day I wrote this, and just wanted a way to vent. I scribbled this out while my room mate was getting his hair cut (we both had things to do that night, so we carpooled), sitting outside the barber, chain smoking, and writing. I think I wrote three or four that night... Anyway, my handwriting was so sloppy that I misread one of the lines, and when I typed it in I thought it really did say "Bracket Full of Roses". I don't know what I meant to say, but I like that phrase, so I kept it...

Bracket Full Of Roses

I'm still burning from the fire
Of the words you used to hurt me
Said that you would not desert me
Then you walked away

Screaming brackets full of roses
You're such a vicious little child
Go on, hurt me for a while
If it helps you cope

You turned and walked right out
When you saw the me I held back
Now, can I please have my love back?
Couldn't deal with all my quirks

My memories are all that I have left
But I will give them up too
I'd do anything for you
So please don't just leave me here alone

Consolation

Consolation

Rest in peace tonight
My bitter memories
Lend me peace of mind
Please just let me sleep
So I lay me down
This bitter, broken man
It is time to move on
Do not open those old wounds again

So I try to be everything you wanted
I try so hard to be just what you need
And believe me when I say
I am sorry for the way
I became your consolation prize boyfriend

I know you deserve
Much more than I can give
Consolation prize
You might as well not win
Now we're both alone
So many miles apart
And I have to know
Am I still in your heart

Because I try to be everything you ever wanted
I try so hard to be your tragedy
Please believe me when I say
One day I will find a way
To be more than your consolation prize boyfriend

The Spaces

I was watching a behind the scenes for a movie tonight, and it was talking about how the original author died the day before his play started. It got me thinking, what if I died before I finished writing what I wanted to write???

The Spaces

What if there's really nothing left but this
What if there's no tomorrow after all
How can I turn my back on my unfinished tale
Knowing that the story will never be told

What if I decide to never write the ending
What if I forgot how the story really goes
What if I never get another second chance
To show this pain to all the ones I loved

Your kiss once burned a fire in my soul
But the fire has died out long ago
And July was just a cruel, bitter joke
A joke that we played upon ourselves

Because the truth has grown so cold
Maybe I've just gotten old
No one wants to hear that bitter song again

Did I finally miss my chance
To tell the world about our dance
Have I waited too long to write these broken words

So many spaces that are left untold
Spaces filled with life, and love, and dying
So many tears held back for way too long
How do I do justice to your brutal memory

Sorry In Advance

Ok, ok, here's a real poem for ya. :) The title of this was GOING to be the title of my last post about comments, but I liked it so much that I decided to work with it... Funny how things work out like that, isn't it? Hey, chopsuey, thanks! In a roundabout way, you being an ass inspired me to write a good poem!!!

Sorry In Advance

I realized today
As I was sitting all alone
That I can never make you happy
Not like you deserve
I will let you down
When I do my best
No matter what I do for you
I will always be your failure

So I'm sorry in advance
For all the pain I've yet to cause
Sorry in advance
For the tears yet to fall
I'm sorry that I know
I can never be what you need
For everything I don't do
I'm sorry in advance

What should I do now
What works best for you
Should I hold on tighter than ever
And swear I'm never letting go
Or turn and walk away
And hope somehow that you
Will forever be happier without me
Tell me now what I should do

I'm sorry in advance
For all the pain I've yet to cause
Sorry in advance
For the tears yet to fall
I'm sorry that I don't
Know the best thing for you
For all the unquestioned answers
I'm telling you sorry in advance

Man, what a pain

A certain asshole has taken it upon itself to leave nasty comments here. This asshole followed me here from Opacity, where I ripped it up publicly for BEING an asshole. To asshole: Go Away! Seriously man, you were banned from Opacity, nobody gives a shit what you have to say, just move on with your life and leave the rest of us alone.
Sadly, since this asshole is not one to give up easily, I have had to take steps to keep it away. Starting today, ALL comments are going through moderation before being posted. Basically, what this means for y'all, is that I have to approve or deny each comment before it's put up. Depending on when you post, and how busy I am, it might take a day or so for the comment to show up. I won't deny a comment that is critical of my work, I think it's good to have stuff like that out there, but if you come in saying stupid bullshit just to flame me because you're too little of a person to let something go, expect to not see your comment. To everyone else: I'm sorry I've got to do this, but I can't spend all my time sorting through these posts to find the posts by asshole.

In closing, a poem that I'm freestyling for said asshole.

Chopsuey, you are an ass.
I would imagine your family is full of asses.
Quit posting things on our blogs
Please, just go away
We're all sick of your stupid shit.
Fuckwit!

Eh, that wasn't that good, but what do you expect for a freestyle? :D

Pain

Pain

I'm in pain
More than I have ever been in before
It rips its way through every nerve and synapse
And leaves me a broken, useless tool

I'm in pain
So much that I can't eat a bite
So much that I can't even sleep at night
I'm in pain, and it's because of you

Well I know
With a snap of your fingers it would go away
Faster than thought, the pain would leave
So tell me now, why won't you help me?

I'm in pain
It hurts so much I can't even cry
Now all I really want to do it die
God, won't someone help me?

Some random link stuff...

If you haven't seen the video/heard the cover of "Hurt" by Johnny Cash (I mention it in my last post), go check it out on youtube. The song itself is very powerful, and when combined with Cash's voice, and the great cinematography, it is almost overwhelming to watch...

I was randomly surfing through some poetry, looking for inspiration, and ran across this. Wow, looks like a step-by-step for my stuff! Didn't realize how whiny I was until I really started reading it.... :(

The Man Behind The Story

Sorry it's been so long, I haven't been able to write for a while... I keep locking up whenever I try, and everything that comes out is shit. I'm not entirely sure about this one either, but at least it's something, and it's better than most of what I've written recently! I found a Johnny Cash cover of "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails, and have listened to it probably 20 times since I got it (just a few hours ago!), so I'm sure that it has inspired a lot of the feeling behind this...

The Man Behind The Story

Don't count on me tonight
I can't even carry myself
Frozen when you needed me the most
I guess I let you down again

The crushing weight of failure
Lies heavy on my shoulders
Even the cutting can't bury my shame
And the drugs don't numb me anymore

Plant a rose in the garden of my heart
One for every friend that I have hurt
The thorns grow thick with disappointment
I can't shine for you tonight

Looking back on the wasteland of life
I turn my back in rage
Cry lullabies as I lay down my arms
And I know I'm finally going home

Consumer

Wrote a couple tonight, this was about the best of them... Not saying much there, they were all pretty bad this time!

Consumer

I'm so damned tired
Tired of fighting
Tired of trying
Tired of crying
Just tired of living
The never ending nightmare
Will I ever wake up
Simply dreaming of you
Has consumed me

Driving farther to the depths
To pull more pain up
To throw in your face
To rip you to shreds
But if you stand too close
To the fire of your life
You'll burn eternal
This fire finally
Has consumed me

I know now I've had enough
No more fighting
No more trying
No more crying
Finally no more living
So I relax at last
Float into the embrace
As I let the pill numbness
Consume me

Escape

Just wanted to double check with my few readers: y'know, if something sucks, you can tell me, right? It won't bother me any, I think it ALL sucks, so you won't be telling me anything new! ;) Anyway, got a new one for ya...

Escape

How can I escape you for good
When you've thrown me into this pit
Knowing my wings were clipped
So you didn't even give me a chain
I'm eternally your trapped songbird

Your embrace is suffocating me
I cry out for God
Or whoever will answer me
But they can't even hear me
Let alone help me

The only control I can find here
Is in the little cuts to you and me
To remind us that I was once in charge
But even that pales compared
To the cut of your careless words

Ambushed

I was thinking about how brutally effective love was at hunting "victims" down, and the idea for this came to me... I dunno if I like it or not, seems kinda crappy to me...

Ambushed

Love snuck up and grabbed me
It came while I wasn't even looking
A quiet infatuation became something more
And now I'm addicted to your embrace

Love hid and ambushed me
I stumbled on it and was ensnared
It found me at my darkest hour
And filled me up with light

Love crept in while I was trying to sleep
It beat me into submission
Chained me down to my bed and trapped me
But now I don't really want to escape

Lullaby

I didn't really have anything in mind when I wrote this, just scribbled it out while I was smoking...

Lullaby

Lay down your weary head tonight
Let the war in your mind cease
Stretch your brittle bones in weariness
And let your thin arms lay in peace
Don't be afraid to let your guard down now
You're safe, so feel at ease

Sing a lullaby for the fragile tonight
Tomorrow everything will be alright
So be at peace my child

The world outside can take its toll
And life will leave you weary
Love will beat you down again
Work will make you dreary
Take solace in the comfort of friends
You'll see things much more clearly

Sing a lullaby for the frail tonight
Tomorrow everything will seem alright
So be at peace my love

Take my hand tonight my friend
Help me lay down my head
This war has gone on in my mind so long
I sometimes wish I were dead
I don't yet hold the answers to the riddles
But tonight I'll just go to bed

Sing a lullaby for the fragile tonight
A lullaby for the frail tonight
Let me lay in peace

Fear

Wow, you guys are getting way more updates than usual! Don't get used to it, I'm trying to write more so I can get this book ready... It's been kinda freaking me out lately, but I'm trying to not freak anymore, and just enjoy what I'm doing like I used to. Of course, I'm still going to try to keep writing more, but I'm not going to stress out if I can't write one day... That thought line is actually what got this one going, so I guess a little fear can be a good thing! :)

Fear

Nervous anticipation
Looking forward to the day
When this is just a memory

Eagerly awaiting
Try to tell the story right
Try not to wrap the past in lies

But how do I separate the love we had
From the hatred that we hold now
And how do I write about that hot July
Without forgetting where I am today

Unspoken expectations
No one wants to see the hate
God, this better turn out great

Unwritten obligations
Maybe I set my sights too high
Perhaps July was just a lie

But how do I throw away everything
Give my secrets to the world
And how do I show you the torment
Without making my loved ones hurt

Waking nightmare
Breaking off my fingernails
Pulling out all of my hair

Stupid daydreamer
No one wants to read that again
Just keep your pain locked away

July... And Everything After update

Well, I tried an experiment tonight. I set up the document with the correct sizes, roughly the correct fonts (Linux doesn't have Times New Roman or Arial, so I had to use similar fonts), and started throwing things in. I put in all the "admin" pages (like the TOC, copyright page, title page, etc), then put all the poems in, 1 per page (and sometimes one would cover 3 pages!). I am now at 60 pages! Of course, some of those poems will not make the final cut, so I still need to roughly double what I have, but I'm farther than I thought I would be! That means I'm almost half done!!! Now for the fun parts: write more, and start arranging the story.... If I keep doing three a week, it'll take me 5 months to write 60 poems, so I've gotta start stepping up output! Hopefully, if all goes well, this thing will be out by Christmas....

The End of June

As I said, I realized I needed certain types of poems to tell my story now. It's a three part story, and I have about half of the middle, and almost all of the end done, but there is no beginning! So here is one I wrote to fill in the end of the beginning (make sense?)... And yes, I was listening to Meatloaf last night, but I swear I wrote this before "Hot Summer Night" came on...

The End of June

It was a hot, humid night at the end of June
The first time I met you
And while we both knew July would surely come
We couldn't wait any longer, wait any longer
The fireworks would have to fly

We put fire to fuse, sat back to watch the show
As we burned this place to the ground
The flames licked at the air, we were both unaware
That the fire's gotta burn us, fire's gonna burn us
July it seemed would never come

So we waited and we waited
It seemed like it was fated
July was finally here
How we opened the flood gates
Never thought past today
July will never end

And so the world kept turning, July kept burning
The fire will never burn out
Another hot summer night we will never forget
And I swear July will never end.

The Story

I was at the bar last night, trying to think through this book thing more, and realized that I need certain types of poems if I want to really tell this story right. One that I need is a "fluff" type poem; it needs to be just enough to bring someone in, to start the book off with, but not full-bore rip-the-heart-out yet. So I wrote this one, to hopefully take that place. Maybe not the best, but it fills its roll...

The Story

This is the story of my life
This is the story of the scary things I see everyday
This is the story of the truth of my youth, all the stupid little things
That add up to who I am today

This is the story of my love
This is the story of the hot July summer nights
This is the way we all escape, day to day, from the truth of our youth
That makes us all the way we are today

This is the story of yesterday
This is the story of tomorrow too
So when you feel like its time to start the end, and you feel like just giving up
Remember it's just a story anyway

This is the story of my life

This is the story of a little boy
This is the story about everybody too
This is the broken little home that we all came from
This is the setting of the scene

This is the story of my life

July... And Everything After

Just thought I'd give ya an update since everybody has been asking me about this lately. Yes, I'm still writing more poetry for the book. I want around 100 poems before I call it good, which means I'll have to write 150 or so to get the ones I really like out, so it might be a bit. I think I'm around 60 now, and there are already a few I don't like.

I'm looking at a lulu.com to do the publishing, as they do on-demand printing (only print what is ordered, no minimum order), and I don't know the demand for it. I'll be in good company: there are over 3000 books of poetry on there! Y'all gotta buy lots of copies if it goes through, so I get good publicity. :-D

Also working on designing a cover for it, getting a basic structure of all the poetry (don't want it to be just random), editing old works, writing writing writing new stuff, and generally keeping myself busy. I think I finally decided on the title (July... and Everything After) but that might change before I'm done too.

I'll let ya know when/if it ever gets done. Until then, keep reading, keep writing me, and keep that great poetry coming out (it inspires me to do more)!

Dr S

In My Mind

I was still kinda in a wierd mood after writing that last one, so I jotted this one out real quick too...

In My Mind

In my mind
The ghosts of those who went before
Whispering that I could have done more
So loud that I cannot ignore

In my mind
The screams of death pains roam
The final whispers, the dying moans
Begging me to take them home

In my mind
The mistakes I see that we made
The dirty road together we paved
Beating a path to their final graves

In my mind
The dead still have a voice
The scream against the choice
I turn my back on them, but the screams remain.

Father

I went to my third funeral of the year today. On average, I do 4-5 a year, so I'm getting to be a pro! The reason I tell you this is so you understand why I wrote this: some days it seems like I'm outliving everyone, and I'm only 24! Granted, the person today was in their 80's, but it's just so tough to watch everyone around you die, and not start to wonder "Why not me? Am I cursed to live?". It's a theme I tried exploring once, but I didn't quite have my writing honed to the point where I could explain how I felt, and I just hope I do now...

Father

Do you hear my screams anymore Father?
Are my cries loud enough for you yet?
How much longer do we play this masquerade?
When will you finally let me come home?
You bled yourself out for me to go on living.
What a sick, twisted love that must be.

Can you hear me tonight Father?
Your son is burning with the pain of life.
Where is the finish line, the final reward?
I can't carry your hammer any more!
Give me rest for once, peace for once
A throw-away soldier in a disposable war.

The promise of eternal happiness and bliss
Is cold comfort while we burn in hell
Souls torched and blackened to a crisp
Food for the living monster named man
So can you hear me now Father?
I can't keep going on.

The Monster I See

When I was growing up, I always had a hard time not hating my mother. She always seemed to look for drama, and made herself a martyr whenever possible. I have to give her a lot of respect, though, because since she remarried and had my baby sister, she has grown up a lot.
When I was driving home tonight, the song "Everything to Everyone" by Everclear came on, and at first it made me think of her. The more I listened to it though, I realized it described me more than it did her now, and that scared me a lot, so much that I wrote this...

The Monster I See

The face that stares back at me today
I can't recognize his features at all
Why does he play the role of the martyr now
And how did that face become me

It's the family disease, it runs in my veins
The mother I hated has grown up at last
But the son inherited the sickness
Twisted with personal experience to create a new monster

Facing down my demons tonight
No drugs left to numb the pain
No hand to pull me back this time
Jumping head first into the void

Fed the sickness on apathy and
The blood white cross around my nose
Crushing the last of the child within
Now the only monster I see is me

Burnout

This is the first poem I shared with my friends on Opacity, and their reaction to it is what got me writing more and sharing more of it. At the time, I was going through a pretty rough break-up, and all I could think of was how I felt like I was an abandoned building. I think (I hope) I did a pretty good job describing that feeling so that others could understand it too...

Burnout

I feel like the burned out corpse
of the building you abandoned
last December in the snow.

Without you to give me purpose
what is left for me to do now?
Do you even know?

My heart has been torn to shreds
like the curtains, the last vestiges
of a bygone, forgotten day.

I did everything I could do
gave you all that I could give
but you wouldn't stay.

I guess I'll just sit here for now
rot away in the snow
until my final breath.

Nothing left to give
nothing left to say
there is simply nothing left.

Mistress Mine

I was listening to The Decemberists, admiring their beautifully sculpted lyrics, and it inspired me to try to write something similar on my own. While I don't think they turned out quite as good as something that they would have written, I'm still pretty happy with the results.

Mistress Mine

Here she comes again, tip to top enchantress beauty
Burning pockets in my brain, smoldering in her waste
Creeping stains belie the pale life of duty
Casting crimson streams in her flowing wake

Mistress Death, let me hear your command
Tell your gray slave which way to lean
Your lifeline, lover, is my only demand
Awaken from your Mickey Mouse dreams

My candle is burning from side to side
The blaze could burn us all away
A long lasting life has all but been denied
I close my eyes, breath out, and die.

A Moment

Well, might as well start off with a bang, eh? Someone described this as my best ever, and while I'm not quite sure (there are some that I really like better), I agree that it's up there. The inspiration for this one is kind of a funny story: I was watching Family Guy one night (I don't usually, but there was nothing else on), and it was a story about the dog falling in love with an old woman, who dies in the end... It got me thinking back to some of the loves in my life, one of whom died while we were together, and got me writing! Just goes to show you: you never know where inspiration will come from!

A Moment

A moment, an eternity
Passing from this life to the next
Every detail seems to be crystal clear

A heartbeat, a rhythm
Racing to its final end
Putting lie to all our plans of growing old

A teardrop, a torrent
Raining down upon our lives
Praying to a deaf God it's all a dream

A memory, slightly faded
Seems to be all that you left
The years have flown, I have moved on

An eternity, a moment
Watching as you passed
Every detail is still crystal clear

What to do, what to do???

I really don't know how I should go about doing this... I mean, I really want to get some of my new stuff up here, but want to get a lot of the better old stuff up too! On my old blog I was putting things up roughly once a week, and it'll be the same here after I get through the archives, as that is about how frequently I write new stuff... I have quite a bit to put up, and I'm afraid that if I put it all up at once some of it will get ignored in the shuffle, plus I don't want to overdose y'all with my stuff! It's taken best in small bites!!!

I think I'll do it like this: for the next few weeks/months (however long it takes), I'll put up any new stuff I come up with, along with a couple of old ones, as well as the inspirations for them, kinda like I did before. That way, I can get through them quicker, without overloading you all with things to read!

Just as a note: unlike with the crappy myspace, you don't have to be a member to leave a comment here, so if you see something you like, or don't like, or would like differently, let me know! :)

Dr Sketch's New Blog!!!

Hey everybody! I got so sick of MySpace fucking around with my blog, so (at the insane urging of MaJude) decided to build a new one here. I'll be putting up all of my old stuff from MySpace, as well as all of the new stuff that comes out... A little at a time, of course! Can't give ya too much at once, now can I???